The lingering effects of “toughing stuff out”A Victim’s oppression. And (Though years later), and The Cosby allegations triggered an old memory

When I was growing up, things were and black and white. You got bullied. Instead of anyone helping you, you toughed it out, and work through it. Despite the fact that you would complain to everyone that things were going on, you dealt with it. At least for me there was no disciplinary actions brought against the tormentors at my High School Windsor, and no punishment happened. They just kept doing it, and you had to do your best to work with it. At least now that’s changed.

The old way may have been wrong

Somehow I wonder if that system has done more damage than harm. I’ve openly questioned that over the past few years. I’ve recently questioned that with all of the Bill Cosby accusations and listening to the women’s stories about what transpired. Their fear that they would be blackballed, and no one would listen to them. I did understand that, because I felt in especially in one situation, I felt that way.

Years ago, when I was pursuing Acting, I had many auditions. Some good, some not so good. You move on, sending your pictures (Remember now, this is before emailing pictures, and reels). So, I went to this audition for a company called Sidewalks Theatre, and it was for a few roles. So, I went up to the room signed in, and waited my turn. So, this slightly overweight guy with a beard and hair, “Gary B” calls me to come in. So, I came in to the room. Mister Beck thanked me, and he then asked me to do some things. One was walking down the street greeting someone, I did that. He then said run to the person, I did that. He then said “beat up the person”. Now, there I was wondering, “Beat up the person”? What is this? But, because I wanted to be considered. So, I did that. “Gary B.” then says “Now assault the person”. I’m like to myself again going “Huh”? I was never asked to do that either, but I did it. THEN he asks me to pretend I’m doing some crazy act. I’m not going to go there as far what I was asked. But, I did it. After which, I felt strange for doing all of this “performing”. Beck then after I do this then goes in an obnoxious accent “Now we talk”. I come over, very nervous, and he then tells me he’s doing this play about three people, he was having auditions for it, and what the role was. This idiot then tells me, he’s doing callbacks for the play, and that we had to make a decision. So, now I thinking this guy is a freak who’s getting off on all of this auditioning. Also in hindsight, I was non-equity, and this prick assumed that if you are Non-Equity, you’ll do anything. He was then telling me bull that this was needed to get into the scope of the characters, and then to add, he wanted a decision right there and now. This was too crazy. So, I rationally explained that coming in three times was a little extreme, and making a decision right there was unrealistic. I then said “No, I’m not interested”. Before I could state the reason why, Beck rudely puts out his hand and says curtly, “Thank you for coming”. I got up, nearly smacking his hand out my way, got my bag, and left. All the while this piece of crap had a shocked look on his face as though he didn’t understand why I was upset that I didn’t take this opportunity. After leaving. There was this actress there, who he called in. Gary B was nervous after that. I probably think my reaction scared him.

the audition left a bad taste, and a lasting impression.

I relayed this to some people I respected at the time about what happened. Needless to say, I was blamed. The comments were “Why did you do that”? “You should’ve walked away”, “That’s your fault”. I was hurt. I was being blamed, and I felt I didn’t do anything wrong. Also, I wanted to work, I wanted to audition for the role. I was doing what I was asked. It was the worst place to be. Not having any backup, or help, or even someone saying it’s okay. It hurt to have no help. I felt exploited. Although it’s not anywhere close to the same thing as what happened to those women that were drugged by Bill Cosby, the same thing was the feeling of victimization. That you would tell someone something like that, and not be afraid to. But also afraid to, for fear of being blackballed, or never working in a profession that they love.

I had nobody’s back in regard to this episode.

I also have to say this. I think the era played a part in all of this. You do it, and shut up, and continue going. Some people, no, let me rephrase that,  a lot of people did that, and moved on. But in reality, the feeling of betrayal, and the ugliness doesn’t leave you, it stays. Sometimes for years. But, there is still reluctance to admit that type of behavior. Recently, I told someone about the incident. It was still met with “You shouldn’t have done that”. I now say “I wanted to act, and do a show”. “Sometimes you can be so blind to ambition, you really don’t see it”. The bottom line is “Gary B” was totally a freak, and just was exploitive in what he was asking. I was then told that “At the time, there was all this experimental acting, and people would ask for those things”. I don’t care. It still doesn’t change what happened. What’s changed now, is that compassion, and understanding are coming more and more into view, and people are now more understanding of things. The victim doesn’t have to feel embarrassed about any of it. It’s weird how the Bill Cosby allegations made me think about this incident. But, in a way, it’s a good thing. Sidewalks Theatre has been defunct. Thank goodness for small favors. A person has been exposed for being a disrespectful creep, in which he should’ve been called to the mat on years ago. For that I’m sorry nothing was handled then. I also wish there had been more compassion, and understanding.. That was needed more than “toughing” stuff out. The way things were is now the cause for a lot of things that people were getting away with, and now are being aired out. some people trying to quell the bad behavior, others openly chastising it.  The present is finally speaking up about the past, and that’s a good thing.

Thanks Bill. You did get some folks to open up.