Filling in the blanks, and the inner demons to conquer.

Memorials are something that are part of life. You go, pay your respects, and listen to what relatives, close friends, and peers have to say about the person. I always go away from them learning more about them, and having a better understanding of them. Sometimes though, you go away with a clearer perspective on why the person was that way, but then also wonder WHY the person was that way. You also wonder why those things were never resolved.

I’ll start from the beginning. My Acting Teacher passed away a couple of weeks ago. She definitely impacted my life in a lot of ways. I learned a lot about Acting, the “Inner Life” and creation of a character, and how you take real things such as comedy, tragedy, and put them in your acting. Now, My Acting teacher in class was volatile. She was brash, in your face, and honest. I would see this teacher make people wince in their seat with her personality. But, what made those traits that I mentioned, worked for me. I liked the raw honesty, the brashness, and I always had taken her being volatile for her personality. She had a personality like my Grandmother. My Grandmother was an in-your-face person, and she was also honest. That may have been the reason I studied with her. I saw my Grandmother in her. I know her personality could rub people the wrong way, but I just took it as “That’s who that person is.”. I never judged. I just was in class to learn by any means necessary.

At her memorial, I learned why she had that personality. It ended up her childhood her family was volatile. Her parents were yellers, and hitters. She also had experienced loss at an early age. Her brother died in World War II, her first born son passed at birth, her Husband who she loved passed away, so there it was said at the memorial that “Everything she loved, left.”, and that colored her whole life. I was genuinely surprised. Not only on the fact that I didn’t know this, but how those things colored her. It did fill in the blanks as far as why she was that way. I was at a loss.

Sometimes on my blog, and on my High School feed on Facebook, I have mentioned a lot of things about my high school experience at Windsor. I’ve mentioned about the bullying, and the headmaster Dr. Stewart (Who I will always mention) who did not do a good job of protecting those that wanted to study, and to just be left alone. Although I’m not alone in my feelings on the school , more times than not, on the High school feed there have been comments like “ Aren’t you ever going to move on”?, I especially when it comes to Stewart.  I never understood the insensitivity to what I was conveying. But then, I realized why I was really mad, There were a lot of other things going on with me during my high school period that also played into my unhappiness. Windsor’s issues was one part of the problem,but part of it. People don ‘t know the other stuff I haven’t stated. (And they won’t, because I’m not sharing that.) They make immediate judgement calls and don’t really take the time to investigate why I feel so strongly about the School. There’s an assumption of “I’m complaining”, when in reality, there’s more to it. It’s like we live our lives with our actions “Taken Out Of Context”.

It was something to hear that news in regard to my teacher, I wonder why she never found that peace. Some people seem to be haunted by something in their past, and that past is messing with them from having that happiness.

I go back to my former friend “V” . “V” had a very hard childhood. Going to foster homes, knowing her Mother didn’t want her, and other dark things. However, she pulled herself up by her bootstraps ,excelled in college, worked in New York, and now in Los Angeles. That drive to make it against those odds was something that I really liked, and respected about her. What I didn’t understand at the time was her alienating people. Her childish, career ending rather sad beefs with people over silly stuff, and then turn around and cling onto you like a dog to a Fireplug. I finally had enough, and ended the friendship. Despite this, I liked “V” very much. I could see beyond all of the issues. But, in the end of the day, her demons ended up poisoning any sort of friendship going forward. For a long time I was angry at her because of that wall that was put up imaginary or not by her,  Now, I feel sorry for her. Sorry that she went through a horrible childhood, but more sorry that she doesn’t have any control of her personal demons, and the reality that it has ruined out friendship, or her chance to really be happy, and content.

My teacher’s Memorial service gave pause to me in regards to how things affect us. Maybe so much the outsider can’t really see the whole story, and that we the outsiders don’t fully investigate. More now, I try more now to get a clearer picture of why that person may be that way. I didn’t know how deep my teacher’s issues were. She was one of the best Acting teachers I had, and I will always remember those traits as a positive in my life.

For me, my demons with High School ended last year after coming to a resolution. I have no ill at all from it, and I can look back now without having angry feelings about it. If you can find a way to resolve those issues, and live better, then go ahead. Otherwise you’ll be eaten alive.